My birth story
Ottilie is now 7 and a half weeks old and I have been thinking about the best way to tell my whole birth story. Ottilie's birth was actually quite unconventional and I should probably start with my pregnancy in order for it to make the most sense. The birth in itself also had a number of complications so I really want to be careful not to scare anyone. Unusually I look back on it all weirdly fondly at how exciting it all was!
NB: This was early-April so I still had another 3 months to go!
So if I start from my pregnancy - those of you who follow me on social media (@tabitha.willett) will know that I really really struggled, pretty much from day one. I got pregnant a lot faster than my partner and I had imagined and Made in Chelsea was in fact still airing me in Croatia when we found out. Fraser and I were together for 2 years and broke up, which is when I went into reality television. This actually was the best thing for me as a heartbroken girl in her 20's. Fraser and I got back together after 6 months apart and never looked back! This obviously was not ideal for either my part or on Made in Chelsea's side as nothing was ever aired about my relationship with Fraser and this probably looked very confusing.
With this in mind, the beginning of my pregnancy was not only riddled with terrible morning sickness but also very isolating. It's quite a scary time finding out that you are pregnant even in the most comfortable and exciting of situations let alone when you are being watched and most likely judged by the general public. For this reason I shut myself away and kept myself to myself.
When my 2nd trimester kicked in, luckily the morning sickness disappeared overnight but at the same time something kicked in called SPD (Symphysis pubis dysfunction). I will save you the biology lesson, you can read more about it here, but it basically meant that I was in a lot of pain around my hips, pelvic bone and coccyx - made worse by a previous injury of a broken coccyx. From here on, everything just got worse - I had terrible swelling and eventually carpal tunnel syndrome, prenatal depression, awful hair, skin and nails, trouble breathing, trouble sleeping, chronic fatigue, terrible nausea and could only eat a few mouthfuls at a time before I felt like I was going to explode. You name it, I got it. This is really not normal, I'm happy to answer any questions from anyone if you want to ask. I sought help from every angle when I was pregnant so hopefully if I can't be of help I can point you in the direction of someone who can. Mentally it got to the point (and I can't believe I ever thought this now) that I was worried that I would not be able to bond with the baby or find it hard to love her because of how much I suffered.
This takes me onto the making of my 'birth plan'. I was lucky enough to have the same midwife throughout my whole pregnancy and I don't know what I would have done without her! After feeling quite strongly about using hypnobirthing originally, I was quickly persuaded into a different angle. Because I was suffering mentally and physically so much, we all thought that it would be best for me to be induced 2 weeks early with an early epidural planned do minimise pain. This is really unusual as the longer the baby is inside the better, but medically speaking we all were aiming for a controlled birth to limit uncertainties and help with my anxiety. It also meant that I could have my hand held through every single step - from the first contraction, to my waters breaking and all the way to delivery. This is what I filmed and put on my IGTV last week which you can view here.
THE BIRTH:
I went into Chelsea and Westminster hospital on Wednesday morning for my induction. They implanted a small tampon like thing underneath my cervix at 10am which didn't hurt at all. This is the first step of an induction and luckily all I needed to get things moving. It slowly releases the oxytocin 'happy' hormone which is what kickstarts your contractions. I went for a slow walk around The Boltons, lunch at Côte and lots of climbing up and down stairs to help get the baby down. By 5pm my contractions were getting closer together and my waters broke naturally (normally with an induction they do this manually so this was a good sign that things were moving along nicely). We set up for the night and tried to get as much sleep as we could before a private delivery room opened up and I could have my epidural. From here things slowed down a little.
On Thursday early-afternoon after not very much sleep, a LOT of gas and air and close quite strong contractions (I swore at at least 2 lovely members of staff trying to help me) I was assisted to the delivery room where a lovely anaesthesiologist came to insert my epidural. This was the first of the complications. It quite quickly became apparent that the numbness that the epidural provides was only working on the right side of my body. This was tried to fix by giving me more numbness which just spread up towards my head, not to the left side of my body where the pain was. Eventually I had it reinserted and luckily this time it worked a little better and provided some relief. From here things seemed to be quite smooth sailing until I was finally at 10cm and ready to start pushing at around 4am on Friday 14th June (Ottilie’s birth day!).
I think the pushing is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I am so proud of myself for getting through this - at times it really felt like I wouldn’t. I feel like superwoman thinking about it! It wasn't so much pain (because of the epidural) but just so so so hard, especially after 2 days of absolutely no sleep and 9 months of constant pain. I ended up needing an episiotomy - this is where you are cut, rather than tearing during delivery - which was actually my preference for lots of reasons: the healing time is shorter and aesthetically it's a lot neater looking as it's a smaller and controlled cut rather than a messy tear and lots of scar tissue as this is harder to stitch up. This is when a small cup was used to help pull Ottilie's head down as I was pushing and one of the nurses told me that the umbilical cord was around her neck. My animal instincts kicked in and she came out eventually with only a small amount of assistance.
Before Ottilie was born, I asked the Doctor and midwives if they could put her straight on my chest instead of taking her to clean her first, so this is exactly what they did. This is better for bonding and health reasons apparently. You can read more about it here. After she was on my chest for no more than a minute she was taken off me and to the back of the room as there was something not quite right. Not a lot was communicated to me at the time as all concentration went to helping me deliver the placenta and stitch me up, and making sure the baby was okay. I was told the majority of the following information after it happened:
The first concern was that she was that she was not breathing, they put a tube up her nose to help clean out her airway. It turns out that she had done her first poo (the meconium) when she was in the womb. This substance is very thick and sticky and needed to be cleared. Because of this, and the reason that she was born 36 hours after my waters broke, there was a risk of infection and she would need a course of antibiotics by drip for 48 hours. She was reported as too cold and therefore needed to be underneath a heat lamp. Lastly and most unusually, the Doctor was concerned about the use of her arm. She wasn't moving her right arm at all and needed to go for an X-ray before heading to intensive care. I deliriously told my boyfriend, Fraser, to go with the baby and not let her leave his sight so off they went. Once she was settled in NCU, Fraser came back to my room and told me that she was okay but she had a broken shoulder. I was heartbroken but relieved she was okay. We were told that as a worst-case-scenario she would need some baby physiotherapy but it should fix all on it's own - which I am so proud to say it has!
While this was all going on, back in the delivery room, I had delivered the placenta and started to haemorrhage. I lost over 2 litres of blood. I again was only told this afterwards and really should have received a blood transfusion. I remember not feeling well at all and very dizzy and delirious from not just this but the sleep deprivation too. I was also vomiting a lot and couldn't eat or drink anything, I think from coming off the epidural and having a withdrawal from all the drugs and pain relief I had. Thank goodness my mother came to the hospital at this point who acted as a translator between me and the Doctors.
After I had been stitched up, I was wheel-chaired down to NCU to meet my daughter properly for the first time and try feeding her. I couldn't wait to look at her face into her eyes and hear her heartbeat. It honestly was the most overwhelmingly beautiful feeling in the world. I instantly fell in love and haven't stopped staring at her since.
Ottilie Gwendoline Rose Carruthers was born at 5:36am on Friday 14th June 2019 weighing 7lb 9oz. She came to my bedside at 11pm that evening and we stayed in hospital for 2 days on antibiotics. On the 3rd day, instead of being discharged we were told we needed to stay under observation for another 24 hours as Ottilie was a little jaundice. This seemed like the worst thing in the world at the time as we just wanted to be home and start our family more than anything. The next day we finally went home and everything has been so perfect since. We have both bonded better than ever imaginable. She has been an amazing feeder, sleeper and cuddler. It honestly is the best thing in the world.
